I learn a lot from my from my mom friends. I met this mama’s group when I was pregnant with my second child and have been with them ever since—almost nine years. I have advised the young moms through all these years, and I have learned a lot from the veteran moms.
We have been through our fair share of parenting wins and fails. In these situations, most moms often fall into one of two categories—Agreeable Mom or Warrior Mom.
Agreeable Mom
An agreeable mom works hard to make everyone happy. If everyone is in a happy mood, she feels comfortable, but her spirit collapses if someone is unhappy. There are many commendable qualities in Agreeable Mom. She is caring, big-hearted, and kind to others. She understands the importance of a good relationship, but the challenge is that the relationship is out of balance. Agreeable Mom can feel like she is continually performing for her children and loses her control. The greatest challenge with Agreeable Mom is that you concede safeguarding your children because you don’t want them to get upset with you.
The challenge is your children need you to safeguard them and hold them responsible. Your job is to teach them to be accountable. And when you do your job of safeguarding them, they may undoubtedly react in a bad mood, and that’s needed. Agreeable Mom freaks out that the lousy mood means she is losing her children’s admiration and trust, but that is not true.
Fighter Mom
Fighter Mom is the opposite of Agreeable Mom. Fighter Mom is up for the battle. Her children’s rude comments or actions embolden Fighter Mom, and she will show them who’s in charge. There are many commendable qualities here too. Fighter Mom is not going to be fooled. She stays on top of her children’s actions and words. She goes through her ensures manners and actions match what she taught them. She doesn’t let anything slip by her. As a matter of fact, she is always checking and ready to catch her children in a little white lie.
Fighter Mom’s problem is that she unknowingly sees her children as the enemy and often misses the good qualities. She begins to expect bad behavior. The result of this is that the relationship between the child and you begin to decline. You toss the ties to the wind.
There is a more positive way.
The Inspired Mom
The Inspired Mom finds a balance between Agreeable Mom and Fighter Mom.
She is focused.
The Inspired Mom can do this by making time for herself. She understands that her self-care is essential. She understands that if she is tired and stressed out, she can’t think objectively.
If her children cross the line, mom doesn’t respond at the moment. She realizes that she must take time to contemplate it. Mom knows she may have to get take a walk or go for a drive to calm down. Mom takes time to get grounded so she can reclaim perspective.
She is open.
Mom knows that she can only be open after she has had some breathing space to calm down. She knows that if she screams out something right away like she won’t be able to impose it. She knows it takes time to develop proper consequences.
If mom is confounded, she collects information and speaks with her partner or a trusted friend first. She doesn’t process her feelings with her children when she is upset or confused.
She shields the relationship.
Mom shields the relationship because she doesn’t let things get out of control. She doesn’t humiliate or characterize her child. She doesn’t ridicule or demeans them.
See, you can have a good relationship with your children and implement rules and limits.
But you will never have good moments all the time with your children. It is impractical.
Understand when you go through the challenging moments; you are doing your job as a mom. The key here is that you deal with them deliberately and not use emotional combat. Remember, “losing your shit” with your children is not an outcome. It doesn’t teach them anything except how to lose their shit when things get complicated. Your children will begin to write you off when you lose your self-discipline.
But Inspired Mom pauses and does not respond. She is open and has a strategy. She survives the moment, knowing it will pass by. Inspired Mom may get shaken at the moment, but in the end, she still loves her children.
Inspired has an enduring plan to create constructive relationships with her children. She doesn’t let the negative elements destroy her relationship with her children.
